Driving down the highway, I had a sudden revelation, and it was not a pretty one:
What am I living for exactly?
It was a moment when I thought that there really is nothing in life for me now to follow up, to hanker after - to look forward to. It is all the same - figures to be filled into the blanks, sales to haggle after, and then it is home and sleep. Even food seems tasteless these days. There are no cravings for anything whatsoever.
This could be a temporary bleep. Could be a permanent scar.
Received this in my FB inbox today. Made me cry.
I'm so glad u replied, this at least telling me I was not alone. U see, I think u could still remember how chubby I got myself into during first year univ. By the end of second year I promise myself and made a change. That was when I started cutting huge amount calorie intake. I took 900 calories per day. And keep evening meals to minimum. Breakfast and lunch were still normal, but nothing much for evening meal. My skin started to be less 'glowy', pale and dull looking. Boobs definitely gone flat. I feel weak and cold most of the times. Denying I was getting myself into anorexic phase, I kept telling myself I was just eating healthyly by avoiding all oily food and dinner. It was my mum who made me realise what had gone wrong with my body. I went back home for holiday this January. It was a huge 'wake-up' call for me. She made me realise that my body is practically only skin and bones, no more sexyness there. No women figure. In fact I looked like a 9 years old who hasn't gone to puberty stage whatsoever. I looked back at my old pictures when I was in normal weight. I looked much healthier and much more 'hok siong' (got wot I mean?)
After 5 months fighting this eating disorder, I have now put on 5 kg steadily. It is not easy task. I have to say, my body can easily gain weight. But what I want (I'm sure u have the same opinion too) we want a nice figure, but not goung back to 'too fat' stage. See my newest facebook picture, I believe I still look fine even with the 5 kg I put on. In fact, my skin looks much better, more noticably, my eye bag's not dark anymore. I have my confidence back. I am proud to be in this shape. I am now in cup B. Lost my cup C but I am happy with B, much better than A or even AA.
As I said, for us, putting on weight can be a very fearful experience. And it is very easy to go back to old habits, u will avoid all food again. If not trying to puke them out and feeling extremely guilty after 'slightly bigger' portion u had. True? I'm sure u agree.
Anyway, as I said, yes, we actually noe, the reason we chose wholemeal, well, because we know it's healthy, it smells good and hmm it stays in our tummy longer, so that should keep starvation not as long. Fruits and veg, well we know they Tend to have zero fat. Yogurt, well, because we can eat them guilt free, zero fat, taste nice, the sugar is a natural sugar (lactose= sugar from milk), that is good, and keep convincing ourselves that it is 'healthy' food. When was the last time u had ice cream WITHOUT honestly feeling not guilty?? Well my last one was last week, awesome feeling. I enjoyed it.
Sometimes people here don't understand how we feel.We also want to enjoy our food, we also want to fight the fear of food. But most importantly, we also don't want to go back to become 'bridget jones'. So... Get urself ice cream! Eat only half of it! If u scared to put weight on, well that is becuase the ice cream here is very big portion.
Remember, don't worry about puking it out. U much rather eat small portion of it, then feeling super guilty after it, and the urge to puke it out. I'm not denying, and not proud with my old self either! When was ur last starbucks cheesecake?? I had it last Saturday, nearly in tears. I still fear to eat the while thing. but I had a quarter. Happy enough that I dare to eat it instead of refusing it. See my facebook picture!! :) Li ying, I wish u were here, then we can gone mad sharing dessert. Other people don't understand why we need to share! I'm sure u do. We love dessert, but scared to put on weight! This is a super long email, I think it can be published as one chapter for a novel already. Anyway, I'm only open up to u, because I feel u can understand me better. I have not told anyone. I didn't even tell my mum the full story and the strict food regime I had. She thought I just lost weight because of over dietting, but I noe I went more than that. None of my frens noe about this. I hope u can keep it between us.
Ps: I have put on 5kg for this past 5 months, but do u now wot? Not many of my frens even realise that!! Haha so this while I was fearing for nothing. Most comment I received was that my skin colour has become better, not many realise that I put weight on! A lot of people say I somehow look better, but not sure where from. I personally noe! It's because my eye bags gone and obviously a more filled boobs and happier mood too! Trust me, apparently being fussy about food can affect ur mood! Initially I didn't believe it. But now that I can feel it. I noe! plus most of the time our mind was too occupied with the fear and worry about putting on weight or binge eating and puke. I have had enough of those! I dunno whether u r now totally bored with my bla3x. As most possibly some people open up to u as well? No? Am I the first? Anyhow, I'm actually at work, but really keen to hear ur reply! Xxx
A long lost friend. An acquaintance. And yet, a soul-mate, a comrade.
It has been such a day.
But it is funny, how mum said in response to my lamenting: "I know why you're feeling this way."
"Why?"
"You haven't been shopping lately, have you?"
-_-"
